dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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