I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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