i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
