pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
