Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Randomize
