i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
