His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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