News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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