bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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