More tranny stories later!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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