i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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