my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
