She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
