Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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