none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
