he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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