We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I want a musical about memes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
