Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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