I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
