someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
