ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
