There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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