i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
