I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
