Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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