I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Someone shattered a urinal.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
