So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
