I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
