My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
