Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize