operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
