He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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