; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
