Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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