I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
