I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
