I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
