just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
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