So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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