Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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