I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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