I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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