it hurts more in the daytime
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
