worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
