those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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