Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
