dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
