Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
