So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
