here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
