is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
