is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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