I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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