Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
