I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
