R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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