Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
