I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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