Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
