I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I am puke
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
