She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
