Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
