Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
