K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
