I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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