I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Oh god it's open bar.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
