i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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