life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
