i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
