Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
