Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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