Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
